ScooNews Opens The #LockerRoom to Dig Deeper With Assorted Panelists

The online #LockerRoom scandal is not unheard or unknown to anyone, but to keep pointing fingers at what has happened already is not going to bring a solution either. ScooNews decided to bring in experts to discuss the standing problem; to find out the root of the issue and if possible, a solution as well.

On 8th May 2020, we held a webinar in association with UnTaboo & Association for Primary Education and Research (APER). The panellists included:

1. Anju Kish, Panel Chair & Sexuality Educator, Founder UnTaboo Education
2. Dr Swati Popat Vats, President, Early Childhood Association India, Association for Primary Education and Research (APER)
3. Dr Zirak Marker, Child & Adolescent Psychiatrist, Advisor – Mpower
4. Varun Gupta, Student, Jamnabai International School

The discussion started by addressing the worrisome situation in hand. Anju Kish said, “Parents and educators are the ones who need to be cognizant about situations like these. Shrugging away by saying ‘not my child, not my school, not my problem’ is not helping anyone. It is time that instead of pointing fingers, we find real solutions.

Excerpts.

Anju Kish: As a mental health professional, how do you react to news like #LockerRoom?

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Dr Zirak Marker: It surely unravels a lot of questions in the mind. For me, the first concern is that all three stakeholders (parents, teachers & children) are victims here. We have to remember that as children, they can get wrongly vindicated, judged and convicted via news, social media, etc. We have to look deep within ourselves to find how to support and empower them to make better decisions. After all, kids cannot be expected to learn it on their own.

Anju Kish: You belong to the same generation we’re concerned about. What’s your take in this?

Varun Gupta: What I feel is news like these change perceptions overnight, instilling a certain amount of fear in us. Staying out late with friends does not feel safe anymore, for example, and somehow it has a greater impact on girls because of all the restrictions they get imposed with. 

Anju Kish: It is a normal knee jerk reaction of parents to these kinds of incidents. We restrict children for some time, do overbearing parenting and then forget about it. This is not helpful. In fact, providing proper education and guidance is more important. On that note, I would like to ask Dr Swati since a majority of schools and parents think Sex Education is unnecessary, how can the attitude be changed?

Dr Swati Popat Vats: 15 years ago, I started ‘good touch, bad touch’ lessons for toddlers. This made many teachers and parents anxious. What helps is taking an initiative and sticking to it while making parents understand. The reason Sex Education does not work in our country is because of the word ‘sex.’ When we use this term, the word ‘sex’ magnifies and ‘education’ minimizes. Parents, in general, have a problem with this term, they misunderstand and opt against it. Hence, it’s suggested to explain and probably, say it differently so it's not embarrassing for anyone. At least until the time, this term is normalized and people become comfortable with it.

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Anju Kish: Since we were talking about parents’ reaction earlier, if we are to put the blame on parenting even in the case of the offenders, does that mean children have no personal responsibility to take?

Varun Gupta: In my opinion, there could be two things that decide how a child is brought up in 2020 – parenting and the internet. For example, when kids have parents to confide in about anything that is bothering them, they develop a better bond and gradually, a clear judgement. But when the internet is relied upon to secure all sorts of information, things might go wrong. The internet does not have ethics as it will only show whatever is highly rated. In such a case, how can we expect them to learn what is truly informative and what’s not bringing them right values? Children need to have better role models more than ever. Yes, even though it's their fault in actions, they did not know what was correct and what was not.

Dr Swati Popat Vats: It’s not one person’s mistake, we all need to ponder upon what is happening around us. Sex is being used as power, bullying has increased in the K-12 setup, and rape is sadly a common phenomenon these days. Parents, especially, must understand that children are always curious and one of the solutions to teach them the difference between right and wrong is by focusing on their early childhood education, which is not taken very seriously in India. 

Anju Kish: Another thing I would like to say is that the internet is not all bad, one can find great resources and information there. However, to show the child how to reach the correct resource is an adult’s responsibility. In fact, they can use the internet to clear doubts of children if they are uncomfortable themselves. Talking about parents, is there something we need to fix in our parenting methods?

Dr Zirak Marker: I have seen so many parents using ‘snowplow parenting’ technique, where they try to remove all the hurdles from children's paths to keep them safe. Even though this comes from their love for the child, we need to also see how negatively it’s affecting them. Children who are brought up like that have poor judgement and insight, high frustration, and succumb to peer pressure easily. 

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Correct nurturing plays a huge role, talking to children about sex, their bodies, consent, boundaries, all of this is important. Indian parents are too awkward in having such discussion hence having a mental health curriculum in schools becomes significant. We have seen changes in kids due to a robust mental health curriculum.

Anju Kish: When we talk of children mounting the wrong path, another issue today is the usage of foul language since early ages. What can be done about this?

Dr Swati Popat Vats: As teachers, it is important to not shame or punish the children. Instead, make them understand with compassion that this kind of language is not acceptable. If needed, involve the parents.

Anju Kish: Varun, we would like to know from someone of your age group, when we talk of parental involvement, how much involvement is enough without imposing it on the child’s privacy?  

Varun Gupta: Forcing us all of a sudden to reveal details about our personal lives, school, and friends is not helpful. What parents can do is develop a friendly bond with them from a young age so that when we need someone to talk to, we rush to them for their opinion. Again, they don’t have to be fully involved but should remain on the sidelines as a support system whenever needed.

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Anju Kish: Talking of sidelines, Dr Marker, do you feel being on the sidelines somehow could also worsen the situation, just like the bystander effect in cases like these, who do you think is responsible?

Dr Zirak Marker: I hear kids saying their mom and dad are the inner voice in their heads. As a parent, all one can do is be solid and present beside the kid, making them morally strong and letting them make their own judgements.

While talking to them, be mindful, thoughtful, age-appropriate and mainly, do not have double standards, i.e ‘do as you say; say as you do.’ Children absorb everything done and said, even the wrong parts. Have compliance and conformity, teach them to make better choices, but let the ultimate choice be theirs. That way you will make sure that when you are not present, they still have you in their conscious to make the right decisions. Parenting needs to be intuitive.

Anju Kish: Lastly, how can we bring a curriculum in schools that teach young students about sexuality, gender, and choices?

Dr Swati Popat Vats: Just keep it at age-appropriate. It’s as simple as that. Never ignore their questions about the birds and the bees and always make sure we answer them according to their comprehensive power. In fact, teachers can take the help of senior children in the school who understand the technicalities of the subject and are more comfortable communicating with their younger generation.

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Dr Zirak Marker: I would suggest that such curriculums should be disseminated by psychologists to be extra sure about the technicality. For example, the curriculum my team has developed talks about what is appropriate behaviour and what is not, sexual harassment, bullying, self-harm, relationship impact, mental health, etc. In short, it covers a wide range of topics that are actually needed for Sex Education.

Anju Kish: Bringing change in the education system to incorporate more serious issues that are persisting is the way forward. I’d like to conclude the session by requesting parents and teachers that it should not only be academics that we should worry about. Moulding children into better human beings is also on us. Be the voice in your children’s head by sourcing information for them and becoming good role models. You cannot monitor or protect them 24/7 but what you can do is have a meaningful conversation with them that they will remember when in doubt.